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Ex Mortis



quite a phallic thing to say

I feel fine and I feel good
I feel like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday



June 5th, 2013

(no subject)

quite a phallic thing to say
I am trying to earn a few extra dollars by doing art commissions. If anyone is interested, let me know either in comments, or by messaging me at this username. Below the cut are some samples of some work I have done. Price is negotiable, but payment needed before work as I've been burned before.
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February 25th, 2013

(no subject)

riki lindhome
I have a list somewhere of bad things about myself, or rather bad thoughts I have when something upsets me. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Things like how much a loser I feel like at the moment, or how I shouldn't be surprised when people stop talking to me, or whatever. I don't know. It's probably not particularly helpful.

I try to make a list of good things about myself too, it's not very long though. I can't really think of anything. I don't know if that means there's not really anything good about me lately, or that winter sucks and I can't think of anything.

I really hope my brain will stop this shit when I'm able to get that daylamp thing.

I'm annoyed with myself because I don't think I'm being a very good friend to Jeri or [profile] agirl_gonemad, but i don't really know what to do about it. I try not talking about my problems, and I don't think that helps. I don't think anyone really wants to talk to me anyway, and then I think about that and it feels stupid. But then later it doesn't. I don't *want* to feel like a bad friend to someone who is my best friend.

A lot of times I feel like I'm people's afterthoughts, and then later that feels stupid too.

I'm working on apping a game, I don't know if that will help or hinder. I hope the former.

February 17th, 2013

(no subject)

you are paul rudd
I hate being unhappy. I wish I knew what would make me happy. I wish I didn't feel like people hated me now, or avoided or anything like that. Even if I know that it's not true. Or at least am pretty sure.

Maybe I need someone to tell me specifically 'I am not avoiding you' 'I don't hate you' or 'stop being so stupid'. I don't know. I feel stupid asking people if they do/are/whatever, but I feel stupid anyway. Plus, what if they say "yes, I'm avoiding you" or "no, you're not my friend anymore"? What then?

I have anxiety, and I have no reason for it. (Or maybe I do?) I'm not late on any bills, not on any homework. Was I like this last year? Is it just winter? Maybe. I don't know. I don't even have anything to distract myself with.

This is stupid. I'm just being stupid. Or something. I don't know.

February 12th, 2013

(no subject)

quite a phallic thing to say
I always see this mood or thought online that things that happen online aren't "real". I don't understand that. Maybe it's because I don't have a lot, but how is this not real? Does that mean the friends I make online don't really care about me? That they're not real? They are to me, at least.

It's just strange to me.

February 7th, 2013

(no subject)

quite a phallic thing to say
My assumption is to always think that people are mad at me, or people are ignoring me or people are talking about me behind my back. Which is stupid, I realize, and dumb and all sorts of words that mean idiot. But, it's not like I have no reason to think this. It's not like these things have never happened to me. They have. Often. My reaction, when I feel these things, however is not to say anything to anybody. Posts on my fb or twitter, sure. It's not like those are direct.

But I'm sure there is also the fact that while I do want to know that people aren't mad at me, bothered by me, ignoring me, thinking that I'm stupid...I don't know if I want to know that they are, are, are and do.

No one wants to think that people hate them.

I almost always feel like people hate me. Not specific people. Not specific things.

February 3rd, 2013

(no subject)

quite a phallic thing to say
Updating my lj doesn't happen often anymore, I really don't know if it ever did. I have no idea if anyone even reads this anymore, like agirl_gonemad or viridian5 or anyone else. I don't know. I glance at my lj flist often, but rarely reply. I need to work on that. I need to work on having better self-esteem. On believing anyone actually likes and cares about me. But it's hard. What if I can't do it? What if I have a hard time with it, and the people who do like and care about me get impatient and leave?

I have a stupid brain. It might not be true, but I feel like that often.

I don't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anything like that. The last boyfriend I had dumped me for reasons I don't really get, and the only people who really ask me out lately are super creepy or strange. But if that is all I am getting, maybe I should settle for that. No.

That too, is dumb.

I don't have a lot of loan aid left, though I think I am ok on pell. Not sure what that'll mean after next semester or the next.

Caitlin is a good friend, my best friend and sometimes I worry that I will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing and she will not want to be my friend anymore. I don't just like her because we write well together, she has helped me out a lot over the years, emotionally and so forth. I hope that I have been some help to her. But who can say?

I have been catching up with a lot of people I knew pre-internet on Facebook, and I am finding it strange. A lot of people are very succesful, a few are not. Most of them are no longer in Michigan. Most of them are republican and/or super religious. Some of them are not.

It's odd when you are talking to someone you knew from Rocky Horror, and they are super anti-gun control and anti-gay marriage. What's that about?

This is ranty. This is weird. I should delete this, but I also think I shouldn't.

I'm working at decorating the house again at least, that's a good thing. I'm starting with replacing the crappy venitian blinds on the main window with curtains, but there is no curtain pole. I suck at installing hardware, so I am putting up 3M hooks and curtain clips.

December 25th, 2012

(no subject)

tess doerner
Given the utter lack of response, I am tempted to assume the answer to "is anyone interested" is in fact "no", but maybe that's the fact that christmas sucks talking.

December 16th, 2012

Mountie Slayer Update

quite a phallic thing to say
Old site is back up at old address, though I am working on getting a better and less ugly site up at a NEW address as well. There are still some stories missing, but I'm working with Mags to get them back. She sent me some doc files, but when I open them up all I get is gobbledy symbols, so we're not really sure what's going on there. Working on it, though!

I am also working on thinking about starting a new mini-arc. I'm in different fandoms nowadays, so that'll be interesting to try to hammer into place. Tentative title is "MS: Scorched Skies".

December 4th, 2012

Mountie Slayer

quite a phallic thing to say
So, I have no idea if anyone still even CARES, but the bravehost website is going back online. There are, I think, still some fics missing. I'm going to see if I can retrieve them in some way.

There aren't, really, any NEW stories. I might post a draft of the one we were working on when we sort of stopped writing it. If I can wrangle my brain, I might write some short fics, but if I do they might involve new characters. If anyone DOES still read or care about this, feel free to comment or suggestion.

October 30th, 2012

(no subject)

quite a phallic thing to say
AJ Quartermaine is sort of like if you gave John Connor all the drugs and then you hit him with a hammer.
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